| “Have you ever woken up, and the first thing you saw was the man you believed as the love of your life? Have you ever been waken up by a kiss from his lips? If you haven’t, I promise you- you’re missing out. That’s what’s happened to me- Donna Keys. And it was one of the best mornings of my life. If you told us that we were going to break up the following week, we would have laughed and told you to “piss off”. Heh. And who could blame us, too? We were young and naïve. We were on top of the world, and no one could push us off or stop us now. Or at least that’s what we thought. Who knew the one thing that would stop us, the very factor of our destruction, looked at us right in our faces whenever we hugged or kissed or talked- each other.
It was a bright spring morning, and I couldn’t go back to sleep after unlocking my door. My best friend, who also just happened to be my boyfriend (or should it be the other way around?), was planning to sneak in and wake me up with a kiss. Thing was one thing that we’ve both dreamed of doing once it conceived in our minds some night ago on the phone. He didn’t have his own key to the house, so I had to wake up and unlock it for him. It was nerve-racking, fpr I wanted to truly be asleep, but my nerves just wouldn’t let me. The pillowing covering my face to shield me from the bright rays of the sun covered a lot more. It hid the excitement in my eyes, the happiness in my smile as I heard him put down his things in my room. And when he came and hissed my neck- the only thing not covered by a blanket or pillow, I could hardly contain myself.
Michael Black was a man of many faces. Though he might be one who people perceive as “weird” if they acted or were romantic or affectionate, I didn’t care. His romantic side always had a way with me. And I was privileged and felt special to be the only woman who’s ever seen that side of him. After kissing me, he greeted “Morning, baby” in a cute, high pitched tone that made him sound so sweet. Immedietly I was prompted to just fling off my pillow and pull him into bed with me. And there, we spent the morning cuddled in each other’s arms, never wanting to leave or let go. A bliss we knew will not last forever, so we soaked up as much as we would of it. We even tried going back to sleep! A fruitless attempt on both our parts because though we were tired from our nerves keeping us from falling back asleep, the fact that Michael was there with me, and I was there with him, sent a rush though our systems like 20 Red Bulls. We did not need sex to enjoy each other’s company, nor were we planning to any time soon, we were happy just with the fact that we were together again.
In Michael’s eyes, I was the object of his affection. The apple of his eye. To quote Shakespeare, maybe it was to the lengths of “the god of [his] idolatry.” This was a strange position for me. For I was never, nor would ever choose to be, an object or apple or someone’s “god” before. But with the way he viewed me, I was placed there without knowledge and had to get used to the fact t hat someone was madly in love with me and would never stop. He was all of this to me, too, but in a more diluted way, in a sense. Yes, he was all I ever thought about or dreamed about, but a prior set of personal morals and standards that I’ve set for myself before this relationship started barred me from going to the lengths that he did. Though it might have seemed at some points as unloving or indifferent, I can’t help the way I am. Michael was not just my object or my apple, but he was something I barely had at the time- a foundation. He was the only constant, unchanging thing in my life. With a traveling dad, a partying mom, and an only child, things got lonely very easily in my house. But he was always there for me, even at the times when it seemed as if I didn’t want him there. I don’t think words could begin to describe what he’s done for my life in a positive way.
Now that he’s gone, I look back at the mistake I made in establishing him as the only foundation, if not, the strongest foundation, in my life. I took him for granted, if you want to go to those extremes. I knew in my heart that he would never leave me. We’ve been together for just too long for him to leave me now. I wasn’t planning to leave him, so I knew that he would always be there. I got comfortable with the fact that he was always going to be there for me and be around whenever I wanted him. I guess you can say its also ‘taking advantage of him’, in the sense that I knew he would never leave me, so I didn’t quite show as much appreciation for him as I felt inside or should have. And look what’s happened to me now because of the fact that I underestimated him. I took his words “I’ll never leave you” as something written in stone, something unchanging. I took his promises to heart and believed them with all I had in me. But he’s gone now. There’s no need to linger on the past anymore.
When we first got together, the irony was that I wasn’t even looking for love. My peers and friends around me were searching for the next man in their life, or their first real love. I didn’t give up on love, because I never had it in the first place. Yet, I gave up on the search for it. Another constant in a lonely person’s life was to search for someone so that you’re not lonely anymore. Constant parties and crushes and events in my life always sprung the never-ceasing question in my mind “Is he boyfriend material? Will he ask you out? Do you smell good? Does he like you?”. Some of these were answered, some weren’t. But I gave up on the search a while back. For it was too draining of my precious energy to be thinking about love and marriage when I haven’t reached a ‘coming of age’ point in my life. I’ve never been in love before, and neither had he. I’ve experienced everything from death to life to love at first sight. Though I had never truly been in ‘love’, those puppy loves will never fail to make a big impact in your mind to what love should feel like or be lie. I’ve turned my life over to Chance (my special name for God), in a sense of “I have my whole life ahead of me to love. It’ll come to me when it comes”. And sure enough, without fail, Chance had fulfilled the Biblical prophesies and folk tale lore of “you get what you wish for” as Michael Black came my way.
We were each other’s first love. He will probably be my last love too. Though you’ll always remember your first love, you won’t forget your last. I guess it works out for me perfectly." |
